Eyes down, keep walking. An indispensable travel guide.

1. Stand to the left on an escalator.

27 Things You Should Never Do In London

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BBC / Via whenyouliveinlondon.tumblr.com

Everyone else is doing it for a reason. That reason is not “for giggles”.

2. Make eye contact.

27 Things You Should Never Do In London

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Warner Bros. / Via iwdrm.tumblr.com

You may look at your phone or the floor. Whatever you do, don’t look up.

3. Smile.

27 Things You Should Never Do In London

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NBC / Via community-sitcom.wikia.com

Smiling is for simpletons and psychopaths.

4. Tell people to smile.

27 Things You Should Never Do In London

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Sony Pictures Home Entertainment / Via imgur.com

Because no.

5. Start a conversation.

27 Things You Should Never Do In London

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Paramount Pictures / Via giphy.com

This is not a networking opportunity. This is a get out of the way opportunity.

6. Take pictures of people.

27 Things You Should Never Do In London

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MGM / New Line Cinema / Via i.imgur.com

Stick this in your slideshow.

7. Ask people to take a picture of you.

27 Things You Should Never Do In London

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BBC / Via static.comicvine.com

8. Ask for directions.

27 Things You Should Never Do In London

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MGM / Via replygif.net

We do know. We just don’t have time for this.

9. Eat in public.

27 Things You Should Never Do In London

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Girls HBO / Via girlshbo.tumblr.com

10. Eat on public transport.

27 Things You Should Never Do In London

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Paramount Pictures / Via wordpress.com

Also not cool: Publicly shaming women who eat on public transport.

11. Be unnecessarily loud in public.

27 Things You Should Never Do In London

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Disney / Via tumblr.com

Never do anything that draws attention to yourself. Ever.

12. Have a phone conversation on public transport.

27 Things You Should Never Do In London

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Trigger Happy TV / Absolutely Productions

Your ringtone should either be a polite cough or nothing.

13. Engage in public displays of affection.

27 Things You Should Never Do In London

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Comedy Central / Via tumblr.com

Treat everyone with polite disdain. Even significant others.

14. Be a tourist.

27 Things You Should Never Do In London

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Warner Bros. / Via Friends / NBC

“London, baby!” = Not a thing.

15. Be from London.

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BBC / Via img3.wikia.nocookie.net

16. Mimic a Cockney accent.

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Walt Disney / Via tumblr.com

Mimicry is the highest form of fuck off.

17. Read a broadsheet newspaper on the Tube.

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Via tumblr.com

18. Read the newspaper over someone’s shoulder.

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Warner Bros. / Via i.imgur.com

19. Ask where the Queen lives.

27 Things You Should Never Do In London

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BBC / Via tumblr.com

And no, we’ve never met her.

20. Insult the Queen.

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Lions Gate / Via tumblr.com

21. Play your music so loud everyone can hear.

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Via giphy.com

You have headphones in. We shouldn’t be able to hear every sodding beat.

22. Put your bag on the seat next to you.

27 Things You Should Never Do In London

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HBO / Via i.minus.com

Bags: Not people since forever.

23. Wear your backpack on the Tube.

27 Things You Should Never Do In London

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Via whoateallthepies.tv

The train is packed. Everyone hates you.

24. Drag a wheeled suitcase behind you.

27 Things You Should Never Do In London

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Marvel Studios / Via i43.tinypic.com

Seriously. Seriously. Carry your damn bag.

25. Walk too slowly.

27 Things You Should Never Do In London

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Twentieth Century Fox / Via p.gr-assets.com

Or too quickly. Or, just. Stay off the pavement, OK?

26. Stop in the middle of the pavement.

27 Things You Should Never Do In London

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Warner Home Video / Via giphy.com

Don’t ever stop moving. Ever.

27. Insult London.

27 Things You Should Never Do In London

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Via mrwgifs.com

This is our city. You keep your mouth shut.

Read more: http://buzzfeed.com/danieldalton/things-you-should-never-do-in-london-ever