Hold onto your sweet, precious red cups while you still can.
1. Having a party anthem
You don’t choose a party anthem. A party anthem chooses you. Whenever it plays, it is your duty to freak out and dance. And whenever it isn’t playing, it is your duty to hassle whoever is in charge of the music until A) they hate you, and B) they play your jam.
But fast-forward to after college. Five years later you’re throwing your hands up expecting everyone to join you in screaming “From the windooooooooow to the wall!” And they just look at you like it doesn’t even mean party time. It’s a cold world out there full of people who hear Ke$ha and Pitbull only in their ears but not in their hearts.
Napping in the middle of the day is the most sacred thing a person can do. And in college, no one says anything about your napping because they’re too busy napping to notice.
Napping has secured its rightful place in academia. But later in life, suddenly, “You must’ve been studying and/or partying really hard — you’ve earned this” turns into, “Wow, you need reevaluate your life.”
3. Pulling an all-nighter
Staying up all night to do work is awful no matter what. In college, the all-nighter signifies “Wow, I need to get it together.” And after college, the all-nighter signifies “Wow, I REALLY need to get it together. Oh my god. OH MY GOD. What happened to my life?”
4. Going to the library
The library is THE place to go in college. Even though it’s overflowing with other obnoxious students, they just keep coming back for more. It’s the only time in your life sitting next to shelves of old books seems necessary.
Get ready to never go to another library ever again. And if you do go to one, get ready to be depressed.
5. Drinking games
Competitive drinking is the foundation of higher education. It’s like the beer Olympics. Winning a game of beer pong or flip cup comes with an absurd feeling of glory.
But after college, no one will play with you. And if they do, nobody really cares who wins. There’s no spirit. No pride. No honing the craft. There could even be eye rolling.
6. Making new friends
College is the easiest environment to make friends. The verb “make” friends implies you actually had to do something to get those friends. You didn’t. They just manifested themselves. All of a sudden 20 friends came out of nowhere.
But after college, the process of trying to make an actual new friend involves being so creepy and aggressive, it makes the whole concept of friendship seem totally overrated. It might as well be called “painfully cajoling friends” or “squeezing a rock so hard you burst blood vessels in your brain hoping a friend will come out.”
College students are expected to eat pure garbage. People who graduated college are expected to eat kale salads. It’s a cruel double standard, but it’s a harsh reality we must face.
8. Casual hook-ups
Typically, colleges admit a large pool of students who are looking to bone. Being among a group of like-minded peers can help accomplish common boning goals.
However, outside the higher education bubble, otherwise known as the bone zone, THINGS GET WEIRD. (Or weirder.)
College students have the special opportunity to stimulate their brains in the noble pursuit of education. Devoting YEARS to learning seems like a good idea. But once its over, the thirst for knowledge quickly withers and dies and when someone tries to tell you new information you have to cover your ears and start screaming until they leave you alone.
10. House parties
College is one of the few times where going into the unfinished basement of an old, decrepit house full of drunk strangers seems like a good idea/fun. Soon, it will be all polite board games and leaving by 11 p.m. instead of sleeping on the floor.
11. Wearing pajamas in public
No one can stop you from wearing pajamas outdoors past the age of 22, but they can ask you things like “Are you sure you’re OK?”
12. Bar crawls
Going to multiple bars in one night seems perfectly normal in college. Each new location promises a new and better experience, like chasing a drunk unicorn (while you are also drunk).
But after college, going to a second bar sounds like a dark and difficult journey. Just going to one bar is asking a lot.
13. Theme parties
Ninety-nine percent of college parties have a theme. Whether it’s sexually promiscuous tennis players or people who only time traveled 20 years into the future, it will require a mild to moderate costume, which ups the fun factor by a good 5%.
But after college, if you have a costume party that’s not on Halloween, you might as well be asking people to punch themselves in the face.
No one can argue that yelling isn’t fun. In college, you can get away with yelling while safely under the umbrella of “dumb college student.” Sadly, after graduation, that umbrella closes and yelling gets you lumped into the “terrible person” category.
15. Public vomiting
Admittedly, vomiting isn’t great. But in college, the vomit margin is wide. It’s kind of like sneezing. And then after college, if you vomit within view of other people, it’s just like, “Whooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaa there, buddy.”
16. Drinking out of red plastic cups
These little buddies somehow became the standard alcohol-to-mouth transport device of choice. But after college you face enormous pressure to drink out of glassware made of glass. Most people cave.