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ABC 7

There’s a certain point in a lot of people’s lives when Halloween stops being about collecting all the candy you possibly can and starts being about how many substances you can consume over the course of the night.

Colorado State student Stefan Sortland decided to celebrate this year’s festivities by inhaling some cocaine and Molly to enhance his enjoyment of the concert he was attending in Fort Collins last Saturday.

That turned out to be a bad idea because he subsequently had a seizure in the middle of campus.

Luckily for Sortland, EMTs were quick to respond, which would have been a good way to end the story if the freshman hadn’t decided to steal their ambulance.

Police tracked down the vehicle after using the GPS beacon it was obviously equipped with, only to discover Sortland had managed to crash it into a median on the highway in another town.

The resulting scene is far and away the best thing I’ve ever read in a serious news article:

Officers said they found 18-year-old Stefan Sortland standing about 30 yards from the stopped ambulance wearing an EMT vest. Officers shot him with a stun gun when he refused their commands. Sortland had a blanket, a cell phone and a box of Wheat Thins with him.

Officers managed to get him to the station where he “stood on a bench, kicked the wall, and masturbated.”

Sortland is facing an impressive number of felony charges including aggravated vehicle theft and assault charges (stemming from another incident in jail in which he decided to punch a deputy in the face), but at least he got a great story out of it.

That should make up for never being able to get a job, right?

Read more: http://elitedaily.com/humor/student-steals-ambulance-masturbates-molly/842329/